Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
