i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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