dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
