My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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