i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
