New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Still dying that you shit outside
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
