I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
