I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
We left the knife in your bed.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Randomize
