I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
