Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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