His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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