seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
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