Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize