You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize