Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
