Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
