I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
