Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
