My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
