He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
