I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
