apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
