so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Randomize
