I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
