don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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