Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
