I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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