we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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