I'm sorry my penis didn't work
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
