Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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