I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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