I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
