i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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