He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
