i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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