This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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