oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Vodka?
Forever.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
