He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
