Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
