NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
