spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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