you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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