I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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