grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
