The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
