he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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