youre lurking in front of me
im six kinds of drunk right now
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
