We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
