if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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