her facebook's as public as her vagina
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
