I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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