Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
