You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
