party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My dick has a subreddit
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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