Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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